Have you ever just been tired of being tired? Many days I feel this way. My life often feels like it is a neverending Ferris Wheel of stress. On the outside looking in most people would think that I have a pretty good life. I am married with children, own a home, and have a pretty decent career, but inside I feel empty.
While I understand that I am fortunate to live the life that I live, the more I have and possess, the more I feel the weight of the world crushing me with responsibility.
The Conflict of Motherhood
As much as I hate to admit it, I lack that thing called “maternal” instinct. I don’t know what the true definition of maternal instinct is. I have always considered it to be that thing inside of a woman that gives her a sense of happiness and joy from having children. Well, I’ve never had that.
Motherhood for me has always been another responsibility. When I had my first child, I didn’t feel joy, rather I felt, ‘What the hell did I get myself into’? There are various reasons that I can certainly pinpoint that I may have contributed to this feeling. Part of it may have been untreated post-partum depression or the fact that my relationship with my husband was less than stellar when I gave birth to my first child.
No matter the reason, I have never really been able to shake the feeling that having children may not have been the best thing for me. Despite knowing that and suffering an internal battle, I try my best to give the best of myself to my children. Something that I have gotten better at with time.
The Stress of Marriage
Like being a mother, marriage was another social construct that I believe I succumbed to way too soon.
We all get married thinking that things will last forever, but as marriage statistics show, that is rarely the case.
